The Watchdog Report: Which Figure & Bikini Coaches to Avoid

All Figure Athletes can benefit from the guidance of an experienced nutritionist. But the industry’s full of charlatans who’ll charge exuberant amounts of cash for nonsensical diets that’ll destroy your health and body. Think you can trust your coach?

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I like to think of myself as a watch dog here on Figure Athlete. I don’t want any counterproductive sham seeping into the minds of impressionable Figure vixens.

And believe you me, there’s misinformation spread through every gym, posted on every message board, and blabbering out of the mouth of every perceived authority figure in the industry.

So, how do you wade through all of this pseudo-science to come up with what really works?

That’s where I come into play. Think of me as the Bill O’Reilly of Figure Athlete — fair, balanced, and letting you, the reader, decide for yourself.

Like Bill O’Reilly, I’m looking out for you!

Fact or Crap

Many people are far too timid to speak out against the big name beef cakes in the industry, but not your resident “tell it like it is” contributor.

In this report, I’m going to look at much of the notoriously incorrect advice that’s spewed out by the industry’s Figure coaches. It might be the trainer at your local gym that works with a handful of girls, or the “top trainers,” who correspond with you by email and suggest that you max out your Visa to fly out for few days of real life training.

Some of these con artists even have small armies of pawns who parade around in matching uniforms as if they’re engaged in some esoteric pursuit of Figure perfection.

The practices they endorse are downright criminal. They follow no methods, just a haphazard hodgepodge of training routines and assembly line diets.

This is where your customized and detailed diet is produced!

“Oh no, Wet Wolf, you’re very wrong! They offer personalized diets to all of their girls. And of course they have special training and diet methods only they are privy to; that’s how they get such awesome results!”

Sorry, but I’ve had close to a dozen girls email me the diet given to them by one crafty coach and almost all of them were identical. There was no rhyme or reason to the food placement. Sorely lacking essential fatty acids and devoid of any carbohydrate recovery meal, they left little room for the drugs the girls took to work their magic.

There’s no technique; nothing systematic, scientific, or orderly about these guys at all.

My Personal Path Down Delusion Avenue

Five years ago, I trained at a gym where an All Pro NFL player worked with a trainer.

Now, the NFL player had earned his “All Pro” status several years before he ever worked with this trainer. The training sessions included, among other things, daily fumbling around with band tubing and a lot of leg presses with a beanbag medicine ball lodged between his knees.

As the months turned into years, word spread among other local pro athletes of the guy who trained Mr. All Pro. One by one, different NFL athletes joined the ranks, and even a big name NBA player became a regular.

Captivated by the enormous success of this athlete, I adopted many of the exercises the trainer had him doing.

After months of continuous regression, I approached the trainer and asked him if he was sure these exercises were actually good for anything. Before I could finish the sentence, he flashed up the latest issue of Muscle & Fitness in front of me. Low and behold, his prized golden goose adorned the cover, shirtless and chiseled to perfection.

Back to the beanbag medicine ball and band tubing I went. Maybe I just need to give it more time? Maybe I’m just not working hard enough?

As the years went by, the player didn’t get any stronger or faster and had a rash of injuries almost every year.

Surprisingly enough, he still continued to perform very well and made his big pay day with several appearances in the Pro Bowl over the next few years.

Finally, one day I told a respected colleague of mine about the exercises I’d integrated into my workouts and those of my clients.

With a sheepish grin on his face, he informed me that those exercises weren’t worth a damn.

Insulted and taken for a fool, I fired back, “Well, if you’re so smart, why aren’t you training Mr. NFL All Pro?!”

He calmly explained that training a celebrity or a famous athlete after they’ve already achieved their success isn’t anything impressive.

“Yeah, but he’s the best in the NFL at his position! The trainer must be awesome!” I exclaimed.

“Not really. That athlete has such a tremendous amount of natural ability that he’ll be successful regardless of how he trains. He’s a great athlete in spite of what his trainer has him do, not because of what the trainer has him do.”

All of a sudden, the blinds were opened and sunlight filled the cobweb ridden corners of my mind.

I was crushed and depressed that my hero had led me astray. I vowed to never make that mistake again.

Real Life Examples

I talked to a girl who finally achieved pro Figure status by winning a show this year after competing at the national level for several years. She also received online diets and workouts from one of the perceived top trainers in the industry.

At her show, she stayed with two other girls in the hotel room that also received diets and training programs from the same trainer. She said that both girls weren’t in contest condition, and the one that actually lives in the same town and trains with him in person looked awful. The scariest thing of all was that the girl was also a trainer herself!

A few minutes later, she tells me how she dropped six pounds in the last week before she took the diuretic and that she just didn’t know how he did it — and he’s a nutritional genius.

I told her he should’ve done the same with the other girls in the show.

She just said they were too stressed out and were overdoing things. (No shit! That’s what happens when someone is drug-free and over-trains!)

I then asked her what things he toyed with during the last week to spark such drastic changes. She came back with, “I don’t know. (Giggle.) He just did it!”

But why didn’t the other girls he trained for the show report in the same condition?

“He just knows how my body works!”

Yeah, but he put all of you girls on the same cookie-cutter diet.

Her face resembled a lobotomy patient as she just sat there dumbfounded.

I chuckled and explained to her that any diet and training protocol would work for her since she had incredible genetics and a supply of steroids.

A little while later, I had to ask her what possessed her to ever train with such a charlatan.

She proceeded to tell me she’d worked online with a West Coast trainer, who ironically stole the name for his Figure girls after a retro show by a guy named Charlie.

Anyway, her results soon came to a screeching halt, and just like Farrah after one season, she bolted from that guy to another alleged top trainer.

Off to the fun factory she went. Honestly, it was more like Pee Wee’s Playhouse, but without the fun.

She told me she’d never been so beat up in her life. “My butt was so sore it hurt to just sit down,” she chirped.

It must have been worth it then, right?

“Well, yeah! I wanted to be a pro!”

Just think; you could’ve cancelled the trip and let the steroids do all of the work.

Quiet as a church mouse and her eyes as big as quarters, she just sat there stunned like a deer in the headlights.

I knew another girl who moved out to the West Coast in 2003, and the first thing she did was sign up with the regional top trainer. Let’s just call him “Charlie.”

“Charlie’s brilliant!” she exclaimed.

Fast forward six months later.

I asked her how her training and diet were going with Charlie.

“He has so many girls he doesn’t give my diet any individual attention. He just sends me the same diet as a lot of other girls. He does give out drug advice, but I’m natural so that doesn’t help me.”

Hmm, I thought he was brilliant?

The scary thing is that both of these females are very educated and bright women, yet, like many of these Figure girls, they’re very naive when it comes to understanding contest prep diets and training routines.

Real World Workouts

Four years ago at a gym I trained at, there was a pro bodybuilder who trained groups of Figure and Fitness girls. He dished out diets similar to the ones your typical online trainers do.

He grouped all of the girls together during the workouts. The natty rank beginner would rub elbows with seasoned veterans of the drug game.

I’d watch him run the girls around the room like cockroaches on a kitchen floor when the light comes on.

Countless sets and reps were the norm and three-pound dumbbells flew through the air. There was jumping, lunging, bouncing, tripping, and the occasional falling. If not for the tilapia and asparagus starvation diets, the physiques of these young sacrificial lambs wouldn’t change a bit.

So, what does the trainer do? He gives the girls drugs and more drugs in an attempt to compensate for his sweat-shop workouts and Auschwitz diets.

Like a Swarm of Locusts, the Rebuttals Descend Upon Me!

“Wet Wolf, have you looked at the results any of these trainers have had with their present and past clients?”

I sure have, and it only reinforces my beliefs. A drug-free national level competitor came to me two years ago frustrated at how her physique had deteriorated over the year she’d worked with a so-called “guru.”

She showed me the cookie-cutter diet, which was funny, but at the same time terribly sad. I quickly put her on a different diet, rebuilt her weight training workouts, dropped her two-hour treadmill walks, and changed up her supplements.

Sixteen weeks later, she’d added muscle to her quads, her delts were like mini cannon balls, and she was the leanest she’d ever been.

“But a lot of these top trainers have clients who’ve won the IFBB Figure and Fitness Olympia and Arnold Pro Figure!”

Anyone who trains like the scenarios I described above and has any success can thank their drug use and tremendous genetics.

I gave clear examples, along with photos, that demonstrate the power of steroids and genetics in my article, Seven Truths That’ll Set You Free.

I hope you aren’t insinuating that there’s a linear relationship between a competitor’s placing and their conditioning level at the top shows at the pro level. Is the first place girl at the Figure Olympia really in better condition then the twelfth place girl?

I’ve seen some of the best conditioned girls in the show place around fifteen before.

There isn’t much to distinguish the top girls at that level, so the winner is a beneficiary of politics, back-door-deals and “favors”.

“Experts or not, these guys have proven themselves by producing winners on a local, national, and pro level in many federations. The results are posted everywhere. So, I hate to tell you, but yes, they happen to be the go-to guys in the industry.”

“So, whether or not you agree with their methodologies, training styles, or nutrition plans, working with these people will get you to the top.”

Did I mention I have some beachfront property in North Dakota to sell you?

No, Twinkle Toes, what gets you to the top are politics, who you know, “posing sessions” with the promoter, drugs, and genetics.

“Wet Wolf, you seem to be harboring a lot of anger towards anyone not on this site who’s considered a top trainer. Besides, why should anyone believe a word you say? Show us your certifications and qualifications at once!”

Listen here, Lassie, I’d follow the nutrition advice of Dr. John Berardi any day of the week over the one-size-fits-all diets those quacks — who you consider to be top trainers — dish out.

Don’t think for a second that the Arizona Outlaw himself, Chad Waterbury, wouldn’t take on Geronimo and an angry tribe of Apaches in a bare-knuckle brawl before he’d prescribe such chaotic routines!

Do you really think that doing more jumping around than a katydid in mating season and enough walking lunges to circle the equator is going to add an ounce of fat-incinerating, myogenic tone-inducing muscle to your body? I think not!

I clearly discussed my stance on what this country deems as qualified. Honestly, right now, Wall Street looks like a picnic compared to the disasters people consider “renowned certifications.”

Quick, Get the Defibrillator!

I realize a lot of this info is going to be more difficult to digest than a plate of banana peppers and smell worse than the liquid aftermath of seventeen asparagus spears, but it needed to be said.

Right now, you may need one of these!(defibrillator)

I understand that a lot of young women compete in Figure and Fitness shows to compensate for different needs or to fill voids in their life.

In many cases, they view the professionals as celebrities and the people who train them as a messiah who’ll lead them to their ultimate fulfillment and the pinnacle of their dreams.

So, if you do choose to follow someone like this, just be aware of the dangers that lie ahead.

Because I’m looking out for you.

About the Author

Wet Wolf specializes in physique transformation, contest prep, eating patterns, and sports performance training for clients in real life and online.


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