The Five Million Dollar Program

Last week, while driving to the airport, I was listening to a popular local radio morning show. One of the hosts asked the other members of the talk show a very interesting question:

“Would you gain fifty pounds for a movie role if it were to pay you five million dollars daily?”

Three of the hosts said “yes” and one said “no.” One of the girls who said “yes” was convinced that she could drop all the fat with little effort.

Her reasoning? It went something like this:

“I’d hire a personal chef, have all of my meals prepared, and hire the best personal trainer!”

Come again?

For the next two minutes they went around the table with all the morning show hosts tossing in their two cents. The three of them who were in on the fifty-pound slop fest were trying to convince the forth member of the show to buy into it.

“Oh no,” she said, “I’d never be able to lose all that fat.”

Not wanting her to miss out on the chance to shave five years off her life, another host quickly jumped in, “Just think, with the five million dollars, you wouldn’t have to work at losing it at all!”

Huh? You wouldn’t have to work at all?

Remember the show “Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader?”

Hell, you just ate a fifth grader!

Of course you’re going to have to work! In fact, you’re already fat to begin with; an extra fifty pounds is going to involuntarily initiate you into the Richard Simmons fan club, have you poised to be the next “Jarrod,” and nominate you as the leading candidate for Americas Biggest Loser!

The host continued, “You could hire a private chef and Oprah’s trainer if you wanted to!”

Say what? I thought we were trying to get in shape here.

Look, anyone who can’t help a billionaire stay out of the clinically obese range and sustain a healthy lifestyle isn’t going to have much luck with a piggy bank full of a measly five million dollars serving as motivation.
The Final Straw

I picked up the phone and called into the talk show to set the record straight. Once I got on the air, I scolded that foppish bunch of morning show hosts for having the audacity to claim that Oprah’s trainer was the best trainer or even remotely effective for that matter, and that without the right work ethic and discipline, those fifty pounds they packed on wouldn’t budge an inch!

In fact, the fun wouldn’t stop at fifty pounds for most people. The continuous urge to gorge their little faces with everything in sight would prove to be a tough one to overcome. Believe you me, it would entail real work!

They had to earn every one of those fifty pounds and were rewarded handsomely for it, but you can’t just turn it off. Their bodies would continue to swell until they were bed-ridden and had sucked that five million dollar account dry.

Okay, so I didn’t call in. But If I had, that’s what I would’ve told them.

However, the topic really got me thinking.
What would be the most efficient way to drop fifty pounds if you had to gain it for a movie role?

I mean, what would be the best way to go about getting you back to your kinda-fat self? Or better yet, while we’re at it, why not get you in better shape than you were in prior to starting?

So let’s break everything down.

The example used was a male actor who had to gain fifty pounds of fat for a major movie role. However, fifty pounds of fat for the typical male would be the equivalent to roughly thirty pounds of fat for the typical female.

While we’re at it, why not still shoot to lose fifty pounds of fat? Considering that most people reading this could stand to lose about ten to twenty pounds anyway, and since we’re dealing with a predominately female demographic here, let’s still shoot for a fifty-pound fat loss program.

I mean, if we’re going to develop and execute a Five Million Dollar Program, I’d expect to see the individual end up in better shape than she was in before she ever gained the weight in the first place.

Anytime we have a rapid increase in body fat, you can rest assured that it was brought about by handfuls of processed, lard-infested pleasures combined with copious amounts hydrogenated oils and enough sugar to keep Willa Wonka’s Chocolate Factory in operation for an entire year.
Stabilizing the Digestive System

Don’t think for a second that this isn’t going to leave behind a nasty residue in the aftermath of your poor digestive system. After what you’ve put those poor bowels through, they’re going to need some serious cleaning.

A good colon detox,  will keep your digestive system cleansed on aregular basis.

Once you’ve scoured out your innards, it’s time to wage war against all that adipose!
The Program

Just a couple of notes before we get down to business:

First thing I’d like to point out is that with an extra fifty pounds on your caboose, some of you might need a Kool Aid break after the trek from your car into the locker room. So if you start to see Tweety Birds after the first thirty seconds on this program, you may need to take more frequent recovery periods as needed.
Where to Start

Another good periodization scheme for the fifty pounds over club is to perform all the exercises with body weight only, using nothing but a broom stick for all lifting movements.

Granted that with all that extra weight you’re carrying, chances are that you won’t be able to perform all the exercises and especially the rigorous metabolic work. Here’s a great way to ease into the routine:

1. Start with half the reps for any body weight metabolic drill.
2. Only perform one set for every body weight metabolic drill.
3. Each week add an extra set until all prescribed sets are reached.
4. Once you’re able to perform all the sets, complete all the reps per set.

Now, if you’re not anywhere near the fifty pound threshold but still want to lose fat and not get any bigger, then start with the prescribed set and rep schemes.

The goal of this program is to train the entire body. It’s the king of metabolic programs and is excellent for someone who wants to improve work capacity, incinerate lard, and send her metabolism through the stratosphere.
Day 1

Perform 3-4 warm-up sets of 2-3 reps prior to starting your work sets.

A1) Overhead Squat: 4 x 11
A2) Split Squat Jump: 4 x 20
Recovery: 90 seconds

B1) Incline Dumbbell Press: 4 x 9
B2) Inch Worm: 4 x 5
• If you’re too fat and your Buddha-belly prevents you from performing these, then just hold the position with your palms and feet on the floor for 20 seconds.
Recovery: 60 seconds

C1) Iron Cross: 2 x 15
C2) Super Burpee: 2 x 10
Recovery: 90 seconds

D1) Front Plank Hold: 3 sets of 45 seconds each.
Recovery: 60 seconds

Metabolic Complex:
E1) Inch Worms: 3 x 8
E2) Jump Rope: 3 x 50 jumps
E3) Jumping Jacks: 3 x 100
Recovery: 90 seconds
Day 2

Plate Pushes: 12 reps
Recovery: 60 seconds between reps
• 1 rep = down and back (see video).
• Wrap plate in a towel if performing on a wood floor.
• Add an additional 2 reps each week.
Day 3

A1) Dumbbell Step-Up (Complete prescribed reps before switching sides): 3 x 9
A2) Standing Dumbbell Alternating Press: 3 x 9
Recovery: 90 seconds

B1) Stiff-Leg Deadlift with Barbell: 4 x 6
B2) Seated Cable Row: 4 x 6
Recovery: 60 seconds

C1) Seated Dumbbell Curls (Twist as you curl): 3 x 7
C2) Rope Cable Tri- extension: 3 x 7
Recovery: 45 seconds

D1) Sprinter Sit ups: 3 x 18
Recovery: 120 seconds

Metabolic Work:
E1) Single-Leg Froggers: 4 x 20
E2) Top Speed Step ups: 4 x 15
Recovery: 90 seconds
Day 4

50-yard Strides: 6 reps
Recovery: However long it takes you to return to your starting point.
Note: Add 2 additional strides each week.
Day 5

A1) Cable Pull-through: 3 x 14
A2) Straight Arm Reverse Raises: 3 x 14
Recovery: 60 seconds

B1) High Incline Body-Weight Rows: 4 x 10
B2) Single-Leg Squat: 4 x 10
Recovery: 90 seconds

C1) Dips with Band Attachment: 4 x 5
C2) Lying Leg curls: 4 x 5
Recovery: 60 seconds

D1) Medicine Ball Rainbows: 3 x 20
Recovery: 60 seconds

20-yard Power Skips: 10 reps
Recovery: However long it takes you to return to the starting point.
• The following week add 4 extra power skips.
• The week after that, add 20 split-squat jumps.
Day 7

Re-Composition Fuel

The backbone of your transformation will consist of what you put in your mouth.

I want a live-in chef right there to hash you up the finest menagerie of organic produce and grass fed, free range meat for at least half of your meals. This way when you slop your way out of bed and wallow down the stairs, there can be no excuse for not adhering to your feeding time.

Not only will this sensitize the blunted insulin receptors that you drowned to death with the tidal wave of buffet-induced insulin, but the multi-species complex of slow digestion proteins will offer a trickle feed to your muscles for hours while your survival fat pockets are eaten away by your revved up metabolism.

No, you don’t need any fat burners yet. I don’t want those sweaty little hands on any thermos until you lose your first thirty pounds of fat.

Once you’ve lost thirty pounds of body fat through smart nutrition and training, you can break out some thermos to sizzle off those remaining stubborn gobs of goo.

With the increasing work load of the training program — not to mention the chronic deterioration of your joints due to the excess baggage you’ve been toting around — it would be wise to speed up your recovery rate through restoration methods.

Weekly visits to your chiropractor, active release therapist, and massage therapist will play a tremendous role in keeping you at full speed for all of your physique transformation obligations.
Wrap Up

Okay, so maybe no one reading this has been offered a movie role, and perhaps no one here even needs to lose fifty pounds. It’s also more than likely that no one here has five million dollars to delegate an entire staff to do nothing but cater to her every want and need.

But I don’t doubt for a second that there are dozens of members and lurkers out there, hiding behind their fridge with all sorts of temptations in proximity. For those people who desire a path to success, it’s been set before you.

As for the Hollywood elite, they can sit back and relax in their lavish estate, all the while thinking that they’re getting their money’s worth.

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